The Gold Standard: Advice Column #3
Welcome to The Gold Standard - Here at the blog team, we’re here to answer your questions, work through your problems, and give you a place to spill your tea.
How to reach out to friends you haven’t seen in a while?
This is a great question because, if you’re anything like me, you are consumed in doing something wherever you are. If I’m at home, I’m fully relaxed at home and forget to check in on college friends. If I’m at school, I’m swamped with homework and social activities and everything else, so I feel like I don’t have the time to call my hometown friends. So after years of feeling guilty that I’m not being a good friend, not reaching out enough, or not making time for others, I’ve found a balance.
Reaching out to people is simpler than we all think it is. It can look like a lot of different things: a comment on an Instagram post, leaving a quick voicemail, or sending a brief text. And if it seems like it isn’t enough of an effort, you should see my texts with my friend who goes to USC. It’s back and forth: “Hey! Miss you, hope everything is good.” Or, “Just checking in, how are ya?”, sometimes “Call me when you can, miss ya!” There’s no judgement, only tiny efforts to let the other person know you’re thinking of them. Because at the end of the day, that’s what friendship is all about: letting the people you love know that you love them and that you’re keeping them in mind, even if it’s been a while.
I think reaching out to burnt bridges is more difficult though. It’s easy to overthink your wording or constantly check your phone for a response, especially if it’s someone that may not even want to hear from you. In that case (or honestly whenever you’re reaching out to someone), think: Who is this for? Me? Or them? It was an old friend’s birthday the other day, and I debated sending a brief birthday message. I wasn’t sure if it’d be weird for me to initiate a conversation or not, and my roommates advised me not to start a “pointless” conversation. But then I thought about what it’s like on your birthday and how far a little message from someone who meant something to you can go. I decided to text that person with the mindset that I was trying to brighten their day, not achieve something for myself, and the conversation went really well.
So if you’re going to take anything away from this advice, have it be that a little effort goes a long way. People always appreciate a check-in from a friend, and if they don’t respond then at least you put a friendly foot forward.
I recently went to a party and met this nice couple. The bathroom was in a hard to find place so I offered to show the girlfriend where it was since I had to go pee too. Super fucking unfortunately she kissed me and now I’m really conflicted. I don’t know their relationship (whether they’re open or not) and whether she just cheated. I want to know if it’s out of line for me to reach out to the boyfriend to tell him what happened. I just don’t want to cause trouble but I would feel terrible if he had no idea Sincerely, Conflicted
Hello, Conflicted. You’re right that this is a tricky situation, as is any in which you’re dealing with someone else’s relationship. I’m not sure if you are friends with either of the people, but I would start by reaching out to the girlfriend. You never want to speak for someone, especially in a delicate situation like this one, so it’s best to go to the source itself. I feel like going to the boyfriend and explaining what happened may leave out the girlfriend’s narrative and lead to some confusion or misunderstanding. I would ask the girlfriend what the deal is. Is she unhappy? Are they broken up, but trying to reconcile? Is their relationship open? Hopefully she can provide some insight into the situation and you can encourage her to talk to her boyfriend about it. If she did cheat on him and is not planning on telling him, then do your worst, honey.
Another side note I’d like to add is about cheating. To preface: I’m not here for it. Never have been, never will be. BUTeveryone has a different definition of it. Some people think cheating is when their partner has sex with another person. Other people don’t. Some couples think that the other person shouldn’t be watching porn, because that’s a form of cheating. It’s a wide spectrum that ranges from holding hands to holding hands during threesomes. Maybe this boyfriend is okay with his girlfriend kissing other people! That might not be acceptable in your relationships, but we’re in no position to judge others. A relationship and its guidelines exist between the partners involved, so step in if you feel that you need to, but know that everything – including cheating – is subjective.
I’m sorry that you’re in a tough spot, hope this helps and everything works out.
That’s it for this week! If you’d like to submit a submission for our blog team, drop it in this google form below:
https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSdFqGn2VYq2JaLlWSbDpJh77UQL9g2sKQv5R4gN5AFaj0VbyA/viewform
Gaslight, Gatekeep, Girlboss,
The Gold Standard