The Golden Standard: Advice Column #5
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“What do you do when your ex and your new guy are friends?”
This is a great question, and one that’s largely dependent on your relationship with your ex. If you’re still friends or in each other’s lives, it would probably be helpful to have a candid conversation with your ex if you and your new guy are getting serious. Honesty is the best path, especially if you want to continue having a friendship with your ex. Get to the point without giving unnecessary details of your new relationship, be respectful of your ex’s feelings, and be prepared for any reaction from your ex - whether it’s sadness, hurt, or maybe even indifference. They’re entitled to feel what they feel, just as you are.
If you and your ex are not in each other’s lives, I’d recommend that you continue on with your life as normal. You and your ex aren’t together for a reason - you are free to do what you want without updating them.
Before you decide how to handle the ex, though, I’d first recommend talking to your new guy and making sure he’s aware of your past relationship(s). Since this partner is the priority, you want to make sure he’s in the know on what your plan is and how it’s being handled. If he and the ex are good friends, it may be helpful for them to discuss the situation individually too.
I was so excited to move into an apartment with two of my best friends this year. I knew I had some issues with one of them but the other has never caused even a minor conflict so I wasn’t worried. I should have been - this is a shit show. I’m not on speaking terms with either of them and they’re horrible to live with. They’re up talking super loud until 2 am when they know I have 8 am classes and are so messy and take up all the space. I will not be living with them next year but I want to save two of the only friendships I have from my hometown but they have changed into people I don’t know and don’t want to be around.
This is something most of us can relate to - watching people we were previously close to change. It’s hard, and it’s uncomfortable - especially when you live with those people!
A common occurrence, especially in college, is that some friends are compatible as roommates and friends, and some are not. Just because someone is your best friend doesn’t mean they’ll be a good fit as your roommate - everyone has different living habits and needs. I know several people who lived with a friend, suffered from that decision, and then improved the relationship after they no longer lived together. It may be that you find an improvement in your relationship with these friends after you move out - you never know. In the meantime, I’d suggest setting clear boundaries and doing your best to respond to tricky situations, not react. By that, I mean taking a few minutes (or even hours) after conflict or a frustrating occurrence, and then communicating calmly and clearly with your roommates about how it made you feel and how you want to fix it.
The thing that stands out to me most about your question is that you want to save these friendships, but these people are people you “don’t know and don’t want to be around.” A lot of times, we cling to friendships and other relationships not because they add value to our lives, but because they are familiar and change is scary. My question for you is: does keeping these people in your life add value or stress to your day-to-day life? If the answer is yes, they add value, then I fully support trying to salvage the friendship. But if they have truly changed into people who you do not want to be around, it’s probably worth taking the scary first step into a life without them in it. It will probably be uncomfortable at first, but after a while, you will find other friends who show up for you as you are now, which will be so worth it.